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Jumoke and I are very good friends. We can talk about anything and everything for hours and share a mutual understanding and respect for each other. She is never afraid to chastise me when I’m wrong, and praise me when I excel. We have what most friends cannot boast about–
devotion.
But then, there are those friendships that require much more. Have you ever been in a relationship where all the weight of the other person’s troubles rested on you? I call that a one- sided relationship. You feel that you have a chain around your neck, and cannot breathe. It’s more like a struggle for survival than
friendship.
Yes! Friendship should be reciprocal, but what do you do when it is not? Being in this kind of relationship can be tough. Some friends can be very difficult to cope with, requiring your attention 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Coping with all the demands of a relationship can be exhausting, but arming oneself with right attitude to make it work, makes all the difference. Here are a few tips that will make you enjoy lasting relationships:
Recognise Your Limit
While friendship with Jumoke is sweet, friendship with Josephine has been a different story. Josephine and I met in Junior Secondary School. We were both members of the school’s volleyball team. At first, it was just the normal kind of teammate relationship. But then, she needed assistance with her Mathematics homework, and began coming over to my house to study, since I was sort of the Mathematics genius in class, yeah! Gradually, she and I became close and she started coming to my house to spend the weekends. Apart from the time demands (I even had to sacrifice my leisure time), the relationship started leaving me emotionally drained. I enjoyed her company a lot, but there were times I needed to be alone to get things done. Unfortunately, she had no other friend, and she never failed to remind me that I was the only person she could trust, and so, I often felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t being a good
friend.
What I failed to realize was that being a good friend requires honesty, and letting the other person know your true feelings. Letting a friend know when you get to these limitations is very important. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t appreciate the other person, what it means is that you are also thinking of your own
feelings.
As time went on, I learnt to let Josephine know when I needed to be alone, and couldn’t go shopping with her, or sit down and listen to her complaints. It’s been hard, but then, it has helped a lot. I’m still learning to be a good friend to her though.
Get Assistance When You Need It
Josephine happens to come from a broken home. She grew in an environment filled with so much hate, and felt guilty after her parents’ separation. She often got depressed and sad, and needed someone whom she could share her troubles with. But even though I appreciated the confidence she had in me, as time went on, there was a lot of strain on our relationship, since she was virtually depending on me to help her accept her
past.
I later realized that Josephine needed healing, but I was not in the position to offer her that. I introduced her to an older friend, whom I held in high esteem and knew could help Josephine. Funmi gave Josephine what I could not- accepting her past, and living for the present. All Josephine was getting from me was the temporary comfort of knowing she could come and cry on my shoulders. Not only did Funmi’s intervention help Josephine, it also took a lot of pressure off me. Josephine’s expectations of me were not as high, and she now had another friend whom she could talk
to.
Never hesitate to seek assistance from another person, whom you feel can be of help when you need it in handling a demanding relationship. Networking actually works!
Understand Your Friend’s
Shortcomings
We all have our shortcomings. You have, and so do your friends. Diana, a friend, told me how she managed to keep her relationship with Sola, even though Sola got on her nerves often. According to Diana, Sola’s manners were "outrageous". In class, she talked non-stop, and hardly paid attention to the
teacher.
Diana happened to be her only friend in class, and this made her (Diana) feel quite uncomfortable, since it didn’t help with her reputation at
all. Diana had two options- to either stop sitting with Sola in class or ignore her shortcomings; she did the latter. Diana made a very important decision- not to allow Sola’s character end their friendship. Instead, she accepted her the way she was, and as time went on, she got to know that Sola had some very good qualities. She was kind and thoughtful and was always ready to
help.
Diana could have let Sola’s shortcomings mar their relationship, and her chance to get to know the real Sola. Now they are very good
friends.
Confront When Necessary
Although a good friend should be able to accept shortcomings in the other person, it doesn’t however mean that he/ she should overlook bad behaviour, which at the end of the day might lead to the destruction of that person. This reminds me of Rose who sat next to me in the senior secondary school. We were pretty close, but then, things got out of hand when she started playing truancy. I didn’t allow this to change my feelings, but then, it all blew up the day I found her smoking cigarettes. That was when I knew I had to confront her. She had the option to either stop smoking, or stop being my friend.
Things were pretty rough between us after then. It took time for both of us to get used to each other again, but one thing was sure– I had passed on the message "I love you, but then I’m not going to accept any destructive behaviour." With time, she quit smoking, and she allowed me help her become her old self again. You know what she told me two years later? "You were my best friend then, and you had never talked to me like that, but when you confronted me, I knew that the time had come to
stop"
Many a times, I’ve had cause to decide whether to end a relationship. Usually, I ask myself if this person is worth all the time and effort– the answer is
yes!
Persevere
Perhaps, because of our different values, we meet a lot of people with perspectives, different from ours. For instance, a friend of mine decided to start having sex. This decision goes contrary to my religious values which include no sex before marriage. It was a great challenge for me to continue being her friend. It doesn’t however mean that I now support what she is doing. Being in a relationship with a friend who has conflicting values with yours is not easy, but you can help yourself understand and learn more in such a
relationship.
I know that at times it’s easier to just weave yourself out of a demanding relationship, but perseverance pays a lot. You receive a lot, and are much more blessed when you don’t give up on a friend who seems
incorrigible.
Face The
Challenge
How patient and enduring are you? It’s true it can be difficult to cope in a relationship with a friend who is seemingly demanding, self- centred and over dependent. It’s a challenge to endure in a demanding
relationship
In cases of peer pressure though, it is difficult to maintain a relationship. Take for instance, a relationship whereby one of the friends tries to force the other to abuse drugs. What do you then do? Whilst it is good to persevere in a demanding relationship, it is not advisable to continue in one where there is pressure for you to ‘go with the crowd’. Breaking up a relationship that can do a lot of harm to you is not wrong, especially if you are being affected negatively. However, there are situations were you could affect a friend positively. You should work at it and not give up. So, anytime you feel you’ve had enough of a demanding friend, remember the person needs you, so, just hang on in there, and be there for her/him. But if you must breakup, it must be on the ground that the relationship will affect you negatively.
Contributed
by Feyi Fowowe
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