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Many who were acquainted with Mr. Ojo had one opinion of him– he wasn’t a nice man. He was notorious for his strictness and the speed with which he used his
koboko (cane). So, when he offered to help Tina with her English, by giving her extra lessons, she was quite surprised. Tina was repeating the class and knew her English was below average. She therefore did not hesitate in taking up Mr. Ojo’s offer, more so when it was
free.
From the first day she started taking the extra lessons, Tina noticed that Mr. Ojo couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Often, he would sit so close to her and would "accidentally-on-purpose" stretch his arm over her chest, while trying to point out something. At first, Tina thought he wasn’t aware of what he was doing, but as time went on and things got worse, she realised he was
aware.
Tina was quite confused and didn’t know what to do. The classes were helping and she didn’t want to lose the opportunity, but she also knew the danger she was getting herself into.
Mr. Benjamin was a very responsible person– at least so it seemed. He was married with three kids and also had a good job. Everyone respected him– everyone except Rita, his 15-year-old niece who was living with
him.
Mr. Benjamin was constantly harassing Rita, though he made it seem there was nothing wrong with it. He sometimes got very angry at her for no reason and threatened to send her out of the house, except she rubbed his back. Sometimes, it was as bad as asking her to kiss
him.
She knew she should tell him NO. She knew also she should tell his wife, but she was scared of what the consequence would be for her.
Many girls, more often than not, find themselves in situations such as Tina’s and Rita’s. As young girls, it might be inevitable to find members of the opposite sex making sexual overtures. At school, work, parties and even in the home, girls are harassed by their male counterparts. Many of these girls, even though might feel uncomfortable, are often at a loss as to what to do. Perhaps, because they do not want to seem unnecessarily fussy, they "manage" to escape such situations
"quietly."
Are you one of those who find themselves in similar situations as Tina and Rita? Perhaps, you are wondering what you can do. Here are some tips that can help.
SPEAK OUT.
Keeping quiet when you should talk won’t help in any way. When you are not interested in a relationship, express your feelings clearly. Many girls are passive when it comes to this. I know this, because even amongst my friends who have had painful relationships with boys, many of them tell me they never really wanted to date the guy in the first place. Ask them why they did and "I didn’t want to hurt his feelings" is usually the reply. Unfortunately, they are the ones who end up
hurt!
Many of us are scared of discussing our feelings openly when we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations, which shouldn’t be so. For example, Rita felt uneasy with her teacher’s behaviour. Why do you think that the teacher continued? Your guess is as good as mine– perhaps, if Rita had told the teacher how distasteful his actions were, he would have
stopped.
BE
ASSERTIVE.
Have you ever heard this expression: "When a girl says NO, she really means Yes"? I’m sure you’ve heard it spoken by guys at one time or the other. I think this is very belittling of women. It only means one thing as far as I am concerned– girls cannot be trusted to stand on their word. This is a challenge to all of us. Even after you have bared your mind, and said NO, it is very important that you keep to your word. Don’t be carried away by gifts or words of
enchantment.
Assertiveness is standing on a decision and refusing to change one’s mind. If for example, you have decided not to have sex, being assertive would mean keeping to your decision not to have sex, regardless of the pressures you may get. Take the story of Flora (not the real name) for example. A friend of a friend, studying in one of the universities here in Nigeria, Flora started having problems with one of her courses when the course lecturer began to make "passes" at her. He gave her two options– either to have sex with him and pass the course, or not to, and fail. At first, like many other girls who find themselves in similar situations, she gave an emphatic NO. But unlike many other girls, she stood her ground. Even with the lecturer’s threats and the fact that she might have to retake the course, she refused to give in to his demands. For the purpose of self- respect and self- fulfillment, it is very important that we be assertive. It may mean letting the other person know where you stand over and over
again.
You may ask though, "What if assertiveness doesn’t work, what do you do– take for instance if rape was staring you in the face?" I particularly like the way one definition of assertiveness goes. It says, "To state or declare positively your decision and often forcefully or aggressively." It is true that being assertive often doesn’t entail aggressiveness, but in situations that are urgent, such as rape, being assertive might also contain a bit of aggressiveness. You just don’t stand there and say you don’t want to have sex– you act as fast as you can. It might mean screaming, shouting for help, running away or pushing the other person away, though this should be done with caution, since the guy may hit you
back.
SEEK
HELP.
Rita was being harassed sexually by her uncle and she felt helpless. At the same time, she was scared to confront him. What Rita could have done was to talk to a trusted adult, perhaps a member of the family. This would have gone a long way in helping her and at the same time getting the adult for speak to her.
Sometimes, depending on the situation we find ourselves, we need to talk to people whom we know can help in anyway. Many of us young people usually go to our friends when we need help. But because they are also young and facing the same challenges, they are not usually able to help. You can talk to your parents, teachers or counsellor– they often are a great help.
Contributed by Feyi Fowowe. Additional materials from "Coping With Sexual
Pressures" by Nancy Abbey and Raptis Picco.
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