Sometimes, gender inequality doesn’t arrive looking serious. Sometimes everybody is laughing.

A boy says he enjoys cooking and someone immediately says, “Wife material!” A girl says she wants to become a footballer and someone asks, “Which man will marry you?” A guy tells his friends that something hurt him emotionally and someone responds, “See this one. Are you a woman?” Everybody laughs. Five minutes later, everyone has probably forgotten about it—except maybe the person the joke was about.

Our friendships have a huge influence on us, especially while we’re growing up. Sometimes we change how we dress, speak, behave, or even what we’re willing to admit because we want to belong. That’s normal to some extent—we all want to feel accepted. But it also means our friend groups can either give people room to become themselves or teach them that certain parts of themselves need to be hidden.

Think about your own circle for a moment. What happens when a boy becomes emotional? What happens when a girl is confident and outspoken? What happens when someone chooses an interest people normally associate with another gender? What happens when someone simply doesn’t behave the way your group thinks a “normal” boy or girl should?

Sometimes the pressure isn’t obvious. Nobody necessarily says, “You cannot do this.” Instead, they laugh every time you do it. They give you a nickname. They bring it up whenever other people are around. Eventually, you might stop doing something you genuinely enjoy, or stop talking about a part of yourself, simply because you don’t want to become the joke again.

It’s also important to notice double standards. Sometimes we judge exactly the same behaviour differently depending on whether a boy or girl is doing it. A confident boy might be described as a leader, while a confident girl might be called bossy. A girl who cries may receive comfort, while a boy who cries gets laughed at. Sometimes boys are expected to tolerate certain behaviour because “you’re a guy, you can handle it,” while girls may be treated differently in the same situation.

These differences can become so normal that we don’t even notice them. That’s why one useful question to ask yourself is: “If another gender did exactly the same thing, would I react differently?” Your answer might reveal an assumption you didn’t even realise you had.

Being a better friend doesn’t mean you can never joke with your friends again. It means becoming aware of when your words are constantly telling someone that there’s something wrong with who they are. If your friend tells you something personal, don’t use their gender to dismiss how they feel. If they have an unusual interest, give them room to explore it. If someone is good at something, recognise their ability before making assumptions about whether boys or girls are “normally” good at it.

And when your friends make certain comments, you don’t always need to turn it into a big speech about gender equality. Sometimes saying, “Guy, allow him,” “There’s nothing wrong with her doing that,” or simply refusing to join the joke can make a difference.

Growing up isn’t only about figuring out who you are. It’s also about becoming the kind of person around whom other people don’t have to pretend to be someone else.

Article by Maryam Orahachi Bello