Have you ever stopped to think about how you learnt what a boy or girl is “supposed” to be like? Nobody probably handed you a rulebook. Yet somehow, many of us grow up knowing the rules. Boys should be strong. Girls should be gentle. Boys shouldn’t cry too much. Girls shouldn’t be too loud. Certain chores are for girls. Certain sports are for boys. A boy should eventually be able to provide. A girl should know how to take care of a home. But where did all these ideas come from?

A lot of our ideas about gender begin at home. Imagine a brother and sister coming home from school at the same time. They’re both tired, but when it’s time to prepare dinner or clean up, the daughter is called first. It might not even feel unusual because that’s how things have always been done. Then there’s school. Maybe you’ve heard someone say a particular subject is “more for boys,” or that girls are naturally better at something else. Then there are friends, movies, music, social media, and even the jokes we make.

Little by little, we build an idea of what being a “proper” boy or girl is supposed to look like. These ideas are called gender stereotypes, general beliefs about how people should behave, what they should enjoy, what they should be good at, or what roles they should have simply because of their gender.

But why does any of this matter? Because expectations can eventually become limitations. Imagine a boy who is naturally emotional but has spent years hearing, “Men don’t cry.” He might eventually stop expressing himself, not because his feelings disappeared, but because he learnt that showing them could make people judge him. Or imagine a girl who naturally enjoys leading people but repeatedly hears that she’s “too bossy” or “too controlling.” Eventually, she might start making herself smaller just to avoid criticism.

That’s the tricky thing about stereotypes. Sometimes nobody directly tells you, “You cannot do this.” Instead, you receive little messages over time that tell you doing it might make you less accepted. And because everyone around you seems to think the same way, you may never stop to question it.

Growing up, however, also means learning to examine some of the things you’ve always known. You don’t have to reject everything you’ve been taught, but you can ask questions. Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “A boy shouldn’t do that” or “A girl is supposed to behave this way,” ask yourself: Why do I believe this? Is there a genuine reason for it, or is it simply something I’ve heard repeatedly? Would I react differently if another gender did exactly the same thing?

Part of becoming your own person is deciding which values you want to carry into adulthood and which ones deserve another look. You may not have chosen all the ideas you grew up around, but as you grow, you get to decide which ones will continue through you. And sometimes, promoting gender equality begins right there, with noticing, questioning, and choosing differently.

Article by Maryam Orahachi Bello